


World Falls Away

by Skyshadow3246, Wolfloner



Series: Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces [7]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftercare, Anal Sex, BDSM, Blood Drinking, Blood Kink, Blood Play, Blow Jobs, Communication Failure, D/s, Dom Loki (Marvel), Dom Tony Stark, Dom/sub, Fear of Drowning, FrostIron - Freeform, Healing Through BDSM, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Knife Play, Loki's Children - Freeform, M/M, Marvel Norse Lore, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Panic Attacks, Possessive Behavior, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Questionable Coping Mechanisms, References to Norse Religion & Lore, Rough Sex, Self-Destructive Behavior, Sub Loki (Marvel), Sub Tony Stark, Tony can't communicate properly to save his life, Topping from the Bottom, abuse of norse lore, behavior restriction, can't believe I managed to write this, good communication, more knifeplay, ostensibly, shower, tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-21 22:52:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14924372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyshadow3246/pseuds/Skyshadow3246, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfloner/pseuds/Wolfloner
Summary: Tony and Loki share anxieties and such. And work on ways to help each other through them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This would have been posted a bit sooner, but my fiancée got me watching Miraculous Ladybug and man, that show's adorable as hell.
> 
> Tags will be updated as I write more chapters. :) (Also maybe the rating will go up, we'll see)
> 
> Unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine. Please point any out, if you see them.
> 
> And if there's anything that should be tagged, and isn't, let me know so I can fix it!

_ Must be something confided _ _   
_ _ Must be someway to feel the pain and heal again _ _   
_ _ Pain and pleasure, inviting _ _   
_ __ I don't think so anymore

\--Seether,   _ World Falls Away _

 

 

 

_ The shards of glass had left dozens of tiny cuts across his body, but Tony was more immediately concerned by how quickly he was reaching terminal velocity as he fell. _ Fifty-three meters per second _. His mind supplied, unhelpfully. If the suit didn’t reach him  _ soon _ then-- _

 

_ But the suit did reach him, and he wasn’t falling anymore. Instead he was floating, and was surrounded by space and it should have been  _ empty _ but it wasn’t.  _ It wasn’t. _ That didn’t matter though, because the cold was seeping in, everything was going dark, there wasn’t enough oxygen to last another five seconds, let alone-- _

 

_ He was under water. Or, his head was. He was being held under the water, and people stood around him, shouting in languages he couldn’t understand, wanting  _ something. _ Wanting him to-- _

 

_ There were explosions. Missiles. Bombs. Death. Body count. Weapons with his own name on them and-- _

 

Tony bolted from the bed. He might have heard someone say something--his name?--but he didn’t pause. He didn’t wait for the elevator, instead he took the stairs. He was moving. Moving was good. Moving meant he was alive. Meant he wasn’t dead. Meant he could still  _ fix _ something.

 

He burst into his workshop, muting JARVIS before he could say anything, and blared some music as loud as it could go. Loud enough he couldn’t hear it so much as just  _ feel _ it, vibrating in his bones. He was seven stories underground. He couldn’t fall from here.

 

Even if he did fall, would that kill him? Loki had said he could still die, apple or no, but that he might be more resilient? “I made a deal with the devil, alright” Tony muttered to himself as he threw himself under one of his cars, determined to  _ move _ and  _ do something _ . He was functionally immortal and now he got to spend the next few thousand years with his own mind.  _ Fantastic _ .

 

He’d barely been under the car for three minutes before someone pulled him out, and dragged him to his feet.

 

“Stark.” Loki grabbed his arms, forcing him to hold still. Which was unbearable, was maddening. He didn’t want to hold still. He  _ couldn’t _ . He didn’t meet Loki’s eyes as he made to jerk away, but the god only tightened his grip. He was still vibrating from the force of the music, but it wasn’t enough, not nearly enough.

 

“Let go.” He tried to wrench free again, but Loki still didn’t release him. 

 

“You need to calm down and talk to me.”

 

“No I don’t.” When Tony tried to pull away again, Loki let him go, watching as he paced around the workshop. “I don’t need to calm down. I don’t  _ need _ to talk.” Tony pulled several tools from the wall, tossing them onto the table while barely acknowledging what he was grabbing. “I just need to work. To do something.” 

 

“So, what are you working on, then?” It occured to Tony that he shouldn’t be able to actually hear what Loki was saying over the music. He turned back and stared at the god who was now sitting on the table, one leg pulled up over the other, admiring the mallet he had tossed to the side. Something about the scene felt so  _ off _ that it made Tony pause.

 

“JARVIS, music down to 10%.” Loki looked back up at his as the music quieted. He gave a wave of his hand as if to say,  _ Well? _ “I don’t know yet.” Tony returned to pacing. “Something.”

 

“Something.” Loki repeated. “Can I ask what brought this on?”

 

“No.” Tony grabbed the sample of vibranium that Shuri had gifted him, calling him a “Kid in a candy store”. He tossed it back and forth between his hands, feeling the weight of it--much lighter than it looked. 

 

“Going to build something with the vibranium?”

 

“Yes.” If he stood still he started shaking, so he kept moving. “Don’t know what yet. Something cool.” As if he ever made anything that wasn’t cool. Useful. Dangerous. Deadly. “Fuck.” He ran a hand over his face. “I should be dead. Like, a dozen times over.” He kept pacing but pointed his free hand at Loki, “You threw me out a fucking window.” He threw the vibranium as hard as he could, leaving a small dent in the wall. “I was  _ feet _ away from a nuclear explosion.” He turned and started walking towards Loki. “I’ve been tortured. Shot at. Hit by a plane. Nearly blown up...too many times.” Loki’s face was carefully blank as Tony came to a stop next to him. “I should be dead.” He repeated. 

 

“But you aren’t.”

 

“Right. I’m not.” He stared at Loki’s face, even if he couldn’t get him to meet his eyes. He had several questions at the tip of his tongue, “How did you even get in here?” was the first to break to the surface.

 

“JARVIS let me in.” Loki was staring off into the middle-distance.

 

“You were worried about me?”

 

“Of course.”

 

If Loki wasn’t going to look at him, Tony wasn’t going to keep standing there. He stalked over to a punching bag, just to have something to do. Distantly he noted that punching the bag without gloves, or even tape, was a good way to break a finger, but he didn’t care. 

 

“You’re going to hurt yourself,” Loki chided.

 

“Good.”

 

That got Loki to move. In the next moment longer fingers circled around his wrists, keeping him from throwing any more punches. “Be still, Stark.”

 

“Make me,” Tony snarled, ducking and twisting. If he couldn’t actually get out of Loki’s grip, at least they could be facing each other.

 

Loki’s eyes were narrowed, and his grip on Tony’s wrists tightened. “Would you prefer I had killed you, Stark?” He was pissed.

 

Tony worked his jaw, trying to figure out how to express what was going through his head. “Yes! No. No.” He frowned. He wanted to close his eyes, so he couldn’t watch the expressions flitting across Loki’s face, but made himself keep watching. “This is what I  _ do _ , ok? I get overwhelmed, I come down here, I work. I cope.”

 

Loki glanced over at the dent in the wall. “This doesn’t look like coping.”

 

“Well, it is.”

 

Loki’s expression shifted from anger to...oh, he was blank again. “Then let me help.”

 

Tony paused. This felt dangerous. Admittedly, most things with Loki felt dangerous. “Help how?”

 

“However you wish.” Loki let go of Tony’s wrists. “If you’re so insistent on injury, I could help with that.” Ok, he was still angry, then. “If you want to make something, I could help with that.”

 

Tony pulled his arms back to himself, carefully rubbing at his wrists, noting that they were already starting to bruise. “Can you make it stop?” When Loki didn’t answer, he looked back up. “Can you make me forget…” he let out a breath. What did he want to forget? Everything, sometimes. Howard, New York, Sokovia, the fact that his fortune was built, in no uncertain terms, on death and destruction. That half the world would probably rejoice at the news of his death. And instead he was fucking immortal, like he had any right, when so many--

 

“I can’t.” Loki interrupted his downward spiral. “No one deserves to be alive, Stark.” Tony was quietly thankful that Loki had been able to glean something from his ramblings. “They don’t deserve to be dead, either, don’t misunderstand me. You either are, or you aren’t.” Loki let his hand rest against the side of Tony’s face, his thumb drifting over his lips. “Are you afraid of me, Stark?”

 

Tony considered that for a moment, “Not exactly.”

 

“Not exactly? What does that mean?”

 

“The you standing in front of me? No. I’m not afraid of you. Maybe I should be, I don’t know. But I’m not.” Tony licked his lips, his tongue darting out to taste the pad of Loki’s thumb. “The you I met in Germany?” He paused, “Actually no, I wasn’t afraid of you then, either.” Tony smirked at the memory. Honestly, Loki had just pissed him off, then. “But, New York? In my penthouse? I was fucking terrified.”

 

It was Loki’s turn to look amused. “Really? You didn’t act scared.  _ You’re missing the point. There’s no throne, _ ” it took Tony a moment to realize Loki was quoting him, “ _ there’s no version of this where you come out on top.”  _ Loki was smirking at him. “Were those the words of a scared man?”

 

Tony scoffed. “I told you. Terrified. I offered you a drink and everything.”

 

“Do you always offer drinks to the people threatening you?”

 

“You’d be surprised by how often that works.”

 

“You seem calmer.” 

 

Tony blinked.  _ Huh _ . He was a bit calmer. “Hey, neat.” His fingers were still twitching, and the urge to  _ do _ hadn’t left, but the general sense of impending doom had lifted somewhat. “You still willing to help me with something?” Tony sidestepped Loki and walked back over to the table. With a sweep of his arm, he sent the collected tools to the ground, freeing up the screen on the table’s face.

 

Loki stepped up to the table, standing next to him. “Not going to ask me to injure you, then?”

 

“Nope. JARVIS, unmute. What’s the highest temperature you can read?”

 

“I believe my sensors could register over 1,000 degrees kelvin, Sir, but anything of that temperature would likely destroy the lab.”

 

“Great, noted.” He turned to Loki. “How hot can that magic fire of yours go?”

 

Loki looked entertained. “That’s not how it works.” He held out his hand. “Give me your arm.”

 

Tony held out his left arm, not really looking at what Loki was doing, he was too busy inputting calculations onto the screen. He did take notice when a very localised part of his arm became warm. He glanced over and Loki held his arm in one hand, and the other was covered in emerald fire, barely licking at his skin. Everything about that was weird. Fire, by the nature of being  _ fire _ should be burning his skin, and while it was warm, maybe a bit uncomfortable, it didn’t seem to actually be hurting him. “JARVIS, any chance you can get a read on this?”

 

“Forty degrees.”

 

“Celsius?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

Tony stared. “That’s impossible.” He stared at Loki, who seemed deeply entertained by Tony’s confusion. “No. Fire ignites at like 250 degrees. You  _ can’t _ have a fire burning at 40 degrees.”

 

“And yet.”

 

“Are you just matching my body temperature? JARVIS, what’s my body temperature?”

 

“Thirty-seven point five. You seem to be running a slight fever, Sir.”

 

“So, what? If you wanted to burn me, it would just be hotter?”

 

“Essentially.”

 

“Show me.”

 

Loki quirked an eyebrow at him, “You want me to burn you, Stark?”

 

_ Yes _ . “No.” He pulled his arm away. “Give me a second.” Tony’s eyes darted around the room, before falling on a pile of forgotten scrap. “Got it.” He darted across the room and returned with a deeply gouged block of wood. He wasn’t even sure what he’d been using it for anymore. “JARVIS, this wasn’t important was it?”

 

“No, Sir, but are you sure this is wise?”

 

Tony pushed the block of wood into Loki’s hands. “It’s fine. Dum-E’s got a fire extinguisher.” He could hear the robot whirring as it neared the table.

 

Loki was laughing softly, at him, probably, but that was fine. He was doing something. Quantifying magic. It was awesome. The wood ignited at 325 degrees celsius, and Loki easily went along as Tony dug through the room for other material samples to test.

 

By the time Tony finally felt able to sit still, he and Loki had variously scorched, melted, and burned at least 20 different samples. “That’s fucking incredible, do you realize that?”

 

Loki let out a hum as he sat down on the bench next to Tony. “You might have mentioned it.”

 

“Are you ok? Is that like...tiring for you, or anything?”

 

Loki shook his head. “I’m fine. It would take a great deal more than just setting things on fire to tire me out.”

 

Tony tilted his head back, staring up at the ceiling. “Can we do this again?”

 

“Burn things?”

 

“Well, yeah. But also just...can I study your magic some more?”

 

“Next time you find yourself panicking, will you talk to me, rather than just charging off down here?”

 

Tony frowned, still staring at the ceiling. “I can’t promise that,” he admitted. “For one, you might not even be here next time.” He worried his bottom lip between his teeth, “For two, this is what I’ve done for years. Since I was a kid. This is why The Avengers have 80% of the tech we do. Because I freak out, I come down here, and I build things until I stop freaking out.”

 

“What accounts for the other 20%?”

 

“Me coming down here when I’m not freaking out.”

 

Loki let out an amused huff. “I think you’re doctoring your numbers.”

 

“Nineteen percent,” he amended. “The other 1% they showed up with, and I had to build better versions.”

 

From his peripheral vision, Tony could see Loki join him in staring at the ceiling. “Are you going to build me something?”

 

“You gonna join The Avengers?”

 

“Not likely.”

 

Tony glanced over. “What would I even make you?”

 

“A blade.”

 

Tony leaned forward so he could look at Loki properly. “You have blades.”

 

“One centimeter.”

 

“Why would you need--”

 

“Out of that vibranium.”

 

Tony stared as Loki stood up and made his way towards the staircase. “Why do you need a tiny knife made of vibranium?” He called after him, but Loki’s only reply was a half-hearted wave.

 

Tony fixed his sample of vibranium with an accusatory glare. “What is he planning to do with you?” 

 

* * *

  
  


And so Tony made the small blade. He’d actually wound up having to ask Loki to assist--it turns out that melting down vibranium in order to work with it was  _ really fucking difficult _ . 

 

“Why are you so good at this?” Tony asked while Loki carefully poured the molten metal into the mold they had created.

 

“I do build things, on occasion.” Loki supplied, leaning back. “I made the majority of my weapons myself, you know.”

 

Tony stared at him. No, he did not know that. But he was fascinated by it. “Come again?” 

 

Loki was smirking at him. “Remember how I told you that I governed an aspect of fire?” Tony nodded, waiting for Loki to continue. “Freyja oversees fire as a...a concept. It’s existence in nature, and such.” He paused, meeting Tony’s eyes. “There is an  _ Eldþursar _ , a fire-giant, named Halogi. He’s governs fire as a destructive force. Wildfires, weaponry, explosions,” he gave a vague wave as if to say that the list could continue endlessly. “I, however, control the opposite. Fire as a  _ creative _ force. Cooking, smithing...surviving, I suppose. Keeping warm, and all that.”

 

Tony realized after a moment that he was staring. “Is Thor the god of a bunch of shit, too?”

 

Loki snorted. “Strength, oak trees, storms, hallowing--”

 

“Hallowing? Like, “hallowed be thy name?’”

 

“I don’t know what that is. Possibly. It means, “to make sacred,” Loki explained.

 

Tony stared down at the thin strips of leather he had been braiding. This conversation had gone into a weird direction. “So...lies, mischief, and useful fire. Anything else?”

 

Loki let out a quiet hum, “No, that covers it.”

 

“What are you going to do with the knife?” It was the fourth time he’d asked, and Loki still hadn’t answered him. He wasn’t going to answer him this time, either, and instead just smiled.

 

* * *

  
  


The knife was made, Loki had thanked him, magicking it away to who-knows-where, and that was the last Tony saw of it. For weeks. He would ask about it, and Loki would just smile, and not say a damned word. It was driving Tony nuts. They’d known each other, technically, for years, had been on not-trying-to-murder-each-other terms for over a year, and had been  _ together _ for 11 months, and at no point had Loki ever asked for anything. Not really. He would share his preferences about food, or movies, or clothing. He would accept gifts, and give gifts in return. Occasionally he might  _ suggest _ things to do, but Tony couldn’t remember him flat-out asking for anything without being prompted by him.

 

Loki finally  _ asks _ for something, unprompted, and it’s a tiny fucking knife, not even useful for combat (and Tony had been keeping an eye out to see if Loki had figured out a way to weaponize the damned thing), and as far as he can tell Loki isn’t doing anything with it.

 

* * *

  
  


_ Something _ was going on with Loki, and Tony knew it. His favorite sorcerer seemed on edge, and Tony had caught him with a look on his face like he was about to say something, before thinking better of it. Tony was fairly sure it involved the knife somehow. Or maybe he just wanted it to, so that he could put that mystery to rest. Either way. 

 

He stared across the table from Loki, eating some unreasonably good scrambled eggs--why did Loki even know how to make scrambled eggs? Loki kept glancing up at him, but refused to hold his gaze. 

 

Ok, Tony was a genius. He could figure this out. Loki was planning something, or wanted something, and he wasn’t going to willingly verbalize it. Tony stabbed at his eggs, not looking away from Loki, who actually looked slightly uncomfortable from the staring.

 

“Do you need something, Stark?”

 

“No. Do you?”

 

“I don’t  _ need _ anything,” Loki said evenly.

 

Tony’s eyes narrowed. “Do you want something?”

 

Tony knew damned well that Loki was a liar--that he lied like other people breathed. In fact, he generally just assumed that at any given time, Loki was probably lying about something. So he was stunned for a moment when Loki muttered, “I might.”

 

“You know you’re allowed to want things, right?” Tony offered, “And that you can just  _ ask _ for things, like the thousand-year-old adult you are.”

 

“I can’t.” Loki’s expression made something in Tony’s chest twist painfully.

 

“Of course you can.”

 

“No, Stark. I actually can’t.” He repeated.

 

“You can’t ask for things? You literally asked me to make you a knife.”

 

Loki managed to look both irritated and amused, “No, I told you to make me a knife.”

 

“Fucking…” Tony sighed. “Then can you  _ tell me _ to do whatever it is you’re wanting to ask me?”

 

“No.”

 

“Can we play twenty questions until I guess it, then?” Tony was glad some sort of progress was happening, but Christ, this has taken the better part of two months.

 

Loki looked like he was considering. “That...might work.” He shifted. “I’m not sure.” He opened his mouth, hopefully to expand on the thought, but instead just growled. 

 

Tony tilted his head, “Is there like a weird magic thing keeping you from even giving me hints?”

 

“Apparently.” 

 

_ Weird _ . “Did someone else make it so you couldn’t ask for...whatever it is?”

 

“Why would I do this to myself?”

 

“I don’t think you would. I meant more...did someone or something make it so that you specifically couldn’t ask for this.”

 

Loki furrowed his brows. “I don’t think it was as specific as that.” He opened his mouth like he was going to say something else, then a look of surprise crossed his features. “No. There are other things I can’t ask for.” 

 

“Interesting. And I’m assuming there’s a theme, involved?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Great. Ok.” Tony brought one leg up, crossing it. Loki was literally unable to ask for something, and it was the fault of some bullshit magic.  _ Odin _ , Tony decided. “When did you figure out you couldn’t ask for it?”

 

Loki opened and closed his mouth a few times, swore, then finally answered with, “When I realized I wanted it.”

 

“And you can’t tell me when that was?” Loki shook his head.  _ Of course not _ . “Is it sex?” Tony offered.

 

Loki rolled his eyes. “When have I ever felt the need to  _ ask _ for sex?”

 

_ Fair enough _ . “Does it have to do with the knife you told me to make you?”

 

The god took a long steadying breath, but otherwise didn’t answer.  _ Couldn’t answer? _

 

“I’m going to take that as a yes, then.” Loki didn’t correct him. “Something you want, but can’t ask for, and didn’t even realize you wanted until...what? Recently, I’m guessing? And probably has something to do with the knife.” Loki had gone very still, which made Tony frown. He didn’t like this one bit. Odin should be grateful that he was dead, because otherwise they would have exchanged words, at the least.   _ What the fuck did Loki want to do with a knife? _

 

“Ok, I can think of one thing, and it can’t be  _ that  _ because last time, you asked.” They were staring at each other again. Loki still wasn’t really moving, which gave Tony pause. “You did, didn’t you?” 

 

“I…” Tony decided that  _ this  _ was one of the most frustrating moments of his life. Loki was actually trying to openly communicate, and he couldn’t.

 

Tony stood up and walked around the table, looking down at Loki. “But that’s it, isn’t it? You want to use the knife that  _ we _ made, and make me bleed.” Loki’s eyes were wide, reminding Tony of a cornered animal. “But you can’t ask for that, because…” He paused. The connection was right there, he knew it. Loki had been able to suggest and express all sorts of things that he’d wanted to do to Tony. What made this different. And what were the other things that Loki apparently couldn’t ask for? 

 

_ Oh _ . “Because now you  _ want _ it. And it’s an  _ offering _ . It’s a show of fucking...what? Worship? And you aren’t allowed to  _ want _ that?”

 

“I told you before. I’m not something that should be prayed to. I--”

 

“Yeah, I remember the speech. Burning the world to the ground and all that.” Tony straddled Loki’s lap, feeling relatively sure the chair could hold their weight. “And I’ve already told you that I think all that’s bullshit, but that’s neither here nor there. Now I know what you want, even if you can’t actually ask for it.” He leaned down, pressing his forehead against Loki’s. “And I want you to consider this my enthusiastic consent.”

 

“I  _ can’t _ ”.

 

Tony sighed, because this was absolute horseshit. “Fine. There’s no bullshit magic keeping me from doing anything. What if I just cut myself.  _ For you _ .” Tony looked down expectantly, “So give me the knife, I’ll cut myself, and that’ll be that.”

 

“Why?” Loki choked out.

 

“Because I’m a sacrilegious masochist, remember?” Tony grinned, trying to lighten the mood. But Loki was frowning, so Tony let his grin fall. This was still a serious conversation. “Because it  _ means something _ to you,” he amended. “Because I don’t worship you, but I do, like…” It was Tony’s turn to struggle with words. “I care about you.” He finally settled on. “And this is literally the only thing you’ve ever actually asked for even-if-you-didn’t-technically-ask.” 

 

“Do you love me, Stark?”

 

Tony stared at him. Was Loki really going to make him  _ say it _ ? “I am literally offering to bleed for you, so--”

 

“So?”

 

Yeah, he was. He was going to make him say it. “So, yes. I think it’s safe to say that I love you.”

 

Loki actually rolled his eyes at him, muttering “So romantic”, before standing up and just carrying Tony back to their bathroom. Tony had squawked at the sudden change in position, and clung to Loki’s shoulders as he moved them. 

 

“Bathroom?” Tony asked as Loki set him on the counter.

 

“I didn’t think you’d want to risk getting blood on the furniture,” Loki said in way of explanation as he pressed the knife they’d made into Tony’s hand. At least some of his anxiety must have shown on his face, because Loki tensed, “Changing your mind?”

 

“No.” Tony rushed out. “No, it’s just…” Tony stared down at the blade, vividly remembering the time he’d taken to make sure it was as sharp as his Midgardian tech could manage. He swallowed. Having someone else hold you down and split your skin was very different than doing it yourself. And of course, this was one of the few self-destructive behaviors he’d always steered away from. Naturally. “I just realized I have no idea what I’m doing.” Loki fixed him with a kind smile, but he still looked tense, and Tony was suspecting that they were both realizing that they’d just jumped straight into the deep end of  _ something _ .

 

Tony also got the strong impression that what had happened that day in the woods had been driven by something instinctual and primal in Loki. “What,” he swallowed. Tried again. “What’s the plan?” Loki ran his thumb down Tony’s neck, holding it at the pulse point. “What are you wanting to happen?” Tony saw Loki’s jaw working. Saw him open his mouth a few times, and realized that Loki still couldn’t  _ really _ express himself in this. Fuck. He was just going to have to ask questions and hope he could figure something out. 

 

“So...I cut myself...on my arm or something?” He offered. Loki’s eyes met his, and Tony figured that if silence was the only agreement he could manage, that would just have to be enough. He also hoped that Loki would figure out a way to let him know if he was guessing wrong. “Then what? I mean, I guess I could just bleed for the sake of bleeding but that feels,” he paused, “wasteful? I don’t know. Do you want to--” He floundered. He knew he was floundering. “Do you want to drink it?” The offer felt kind of weird, and it sounded kind of weird, but it was also what Loki had  _ done _ , and he didn’t exactly hate the idea.

 

Loki managed a tiny nod, and  _ hot damn _ , that was progress. “Great.” Tony nodded back. “I’ll cut myself, you’ll drink my blood, and that’s what’s we’ll do. Work from there?” He shifted his grip on the knife in his right hand, and let the blade hover over the inside of his left arm. Tony knew what  _ not _ to do, at least. He was also determined to figure out a way to  _ fix this _ because this was incredibly anxiety inducing, and he couldn’t very well try to drop into a subspace when he was the one with the knife.

 

He nearly jumped when Loki shifted. He watched Loki sink down to his knees with far more grace than should be allowed, and green eyes were looking at him with something approaching adoration. Tony blinked and tried to refocus on what he was doing. The small blade wasn’t all that unlike an X-Acto knife, he noted. Suddenly, something clicked in Tony’s mind. Loki had had him create this knife for the explicit purpose of cutting into him. It was small, and simple, and made of a ridiculously rare (or at least hard for him to get ahold of) metal, and the only real adornment on it were the straps of leather that Tony had insisted on weaving around the handle. He couldn’t name the warm feeling that took hold in his chest, but did dimly recognize that he was going to give one of them an anxiety attack if he didn’t just  _ get on with it _ .

 

He barely had to touch the blade to his skin before it split, a thin well of blood pooling at the cut.  _ Huh _ . He thought it’d hurt more. He knew it wasn’t much, but he held his arm out for Loki’s inspection all the same. Loki tenderly held his arm and licked at the cut, his eyes not leaving Tony’s. After a moment, Loki dug his tongue into the cut, and Tony grit his teeth to keep himself from jerking away, because that  _ did _ hurt. And fuck, this would be so much easier if Loki could just hold him still and do this  _ to him _ . When Loki pulled away the cut looked red and angry, but it would heal, so that was fine. He flexed his fingers, considering where to make a second cut, when a thought gave him pause. “Can you still bite me?”

 

Loki tilted his head to the side slightly. “I think so. You do mean with the intention of drawing blood, right?”

 

“Right.”

 

Loki hummed. “That would hurt a great deal more, of course.”

 

“Yeah,” Tony agreed, offering his arm back to Loki all the same.

 

“Is using a blade on yourself that difficult?” 

 

Tony tensed, ready to argue with Loki. But just as quickly he recognized that the tone hadn’t been mocking, or goading, but honest. Loki looked concerned. Tony forced himself to calm back down. “It’s not that it’s difficult,” Tony tried to explain, “it’s like...I can’t  _ enjoy _ it? Does that make sense?”

 

“I wasn’t under the impression you particularly enjoyed this before.”

 

Tony let himself chuckle. “Maybe not. Having you tie me up and stab me will probably never be on my top ten date ideas.” Although with how much Loki seemed to enjoy it, it might make the top 15. Maybe. “But giving myself over to you? Just  _ letting you _ ? Yeah, I enjoy that aspect a lot.” 

 

Loki was staring at him, and Tony watched as a fucking tapestry of emotions crossed his face. Confusion, fear,  wonder, distress, glee. Loki stood up in one fluid movement, and forced himself between Tony’s legs, and just stood there like he fucking belonged. Which, to be fair, as far as Tony was concerned, he did. Always. At any given time, one of them should definitely be between the other one’s legs. It was a fact of life.

 

Tony recognized he might be in a weird emotional state right then. He didn’t protest or even question when Loki took the knife from his hand. “You get something out of this.” It wasn’t a question, but Tony nodded just the same. “I’m going to take this knife. I’m going to cut into your shoulder. And you’re going to hold very  _ very _ still. Do you understand?” Tony nodded again, which apparently wasn’t good enough. “Use that clever mouth of yours, Stark. Do. You. Understand?”

 

Tony swallowed. “Yep. This is me. Holding very still.” Loki’s tone of voice had gone straight to his dick, and he was pretty sure he could feel the anxiety from a few moments before melting away. He wasn’t expected to hurt himself. Loki was going to hurt him. And that was alright. Was perfect, in fact.

 

Loki pulled up the sleeve of Tony’s t-shirt. “Do I still have your,” he huffed a small laugh, “enthusiastic consent?”

 

Tony didn’t really wanted to talk, he much prefered just  _ feeling _ , but this was important. “Yes.” He heard more than felt his own hiss as Loki slid the blade across his skin. He didn’t look over at the cut, he’d been told to hold still, and that was what he was going to do. He didn’t move when Loki licked and nipped at the cut, or when Loki made two more cuts just below the first.

 

When Loki’s mouth shifted to Tony’s neck, he easily moved his head out of the way, baring his throat. “How far would you let me go?” Loki whispered, pressing his teeth against him.

 

Tony let out a small whine at Loki expecting any sort of coherency out of him, but he blinked until his mind regained some level of focus. “Is that hypothetical or are you expecting an actual answer?”

 

Loki hummed against him. “It was hypothetical, but I’d love an answer.” Loki strummed his thumb along the line of cuts on Tony’s shoulder, irritating the skin. “I’m finding that I really enjoy finding lines to cross, with you.”

 

Tony swallowed, considering. “I don’t think I have any lines left, where you’re concerned.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter this time. But man, do I have *plans* for chapter 3. :)
> 
> Also, updated tags. And all mistakes are mine, you know the drill.

_It's hurting again now_  
And I don't need friends when I have foes like you  
It's hurting again now  
It's killing me to be here all alone

\--Seether, _World Falls Away_

 

“No?” Loki asked, a mischievous grin on his face. “Shall we test that?” For the second time that night, Loki simply picked Tony up--two times too many, as far as Tony was concerned--and this time carried him over to their bed.

 

“I _can_ walk, you know.” Tony griped. Tony wasn’t phased when his clothing disappeared. Although, Loki was also nude, so that was a nice change.

 

“I do know. This was faster, though.” Loki crawled up onto the bed next to him. “Get cozy, Stark.”

 

Tony shifted up the bed, so he could prop himself up on the pillows. “What happened to not wanting to get my furniture bloody?”

 

Loki twirled the knife between his fingers, “I’m confident we can clean up after ourselves. Besides, we might be here a while.” Loki looked over Tony’s body. “Before you get too comfortable, Stark.” He paused. “Would you prefer to roll over? Your back is less sensitive, and your vital organs are much better protected.”

 

Tony made a show of stretching and then settling into his position. “Don’t stab my organs,” he offered. “I like to watch you.”

 

Loki rolled his eyes before settling to Tony’s left, taking his arm. He started making small shallow cuts that barely drew any blood along the outside of his forearm.

 

“Did you have me make that knife for this?” Tony asked.

 

“I did.”

 

“Why?” Despite what he had said, Tony found it was much easier to not actually watch what Loki was doing. “You have tons of knives.”

 

“Those knives are for killing.” Loki explained, having shifted up to Tony’s shoulder, returning to his work from the bathroom.

 

“And this knife is for?”

 

“Hurting you.”

 

Tony made a face at Loki, as he crawled over him to get to his right arm. “Ok.”

 

“Consensually.” Loki explained. “This knife wouldn’t be very useful for injuring you.”

 

“Comforting.” Tony muttered. Mostly this felt weird. It stung a bit, but the cuts were shallow and evenly timed, and he found himself falling into the rhythm of it.

 

They were quiet for several long minutes, Tony had closed his eyes and found himself relaxing into the sensation. He was only slightly started when he felt Loki moving again, coming to rest over his hips, fingers tracing down his chest. “Ok?” he asked.

 

“Green.” Tony confirmed, opening his eyes. Loki set the knife to the side, and leaned down to kiss him. The kiss was soft and gentle and such a departure from the usual aggression in their affection that it caught Tony off-guard.

 

Loki pulled back, and returned the knife to his hand. He seemed to take a moment to admire the scores he’d created on Tony’s arms before setting back to work. Quick even lines radiating out from the Arc Reactor.

 

Tony let out a small noise. Loki was still working methodically, but these cuts were deeper, longer, and actually _hurt_. “Keep breathing, Tony.” Loki chided him. Tony hadn’t even realized that he’d been holding his breath, but he made an effort to take slow breaths through his nose, trying not to move his chest too much.

 

“Fuck.” Tony tensed, and it only through sheer willpower that he didn’t jerk away when Loki moved to his pectoral muscles. That was less of a cut, and more of a shallow stab.

 

“You’re fine.” Loki murmured. “Be still.”

 

“Did you just stab me?” Tony asked, trying to will away the rush of panic.

 

“I wouldn’t call it a stab, no.” Loki hadn’t stopped his movements. Tony thought he might be creating some sort of design, but his brain was filled with _Jesusfuckpainwhy_ , so it was hard to tell for certain.

 

Realizing that Loki wasn’t going to stop without him asking, Tony closed his eyes and focused on his breathing again, trying to settle back down.

 

“You’re doing so well, my little _vargr_.” Loki crooned. Tony tried to note that word to ask for the translation later.

 

Tony surprised himself by relaxing into this, too. It didn’t stop hurting, but Loki’s movements were so precise and predictable it was easy to be lulled by it.

 

“Tell me about your nightmares,” Loki said.

 

Tony frowned slightly. “Which ones?”

 

“All of them.”

 

Tony was silent for a long moment, he couldn’t even remember all of them. “I’m falling, a lot.” He admitted. “Or there are explosions, or water.” His frown deepened.

 

Loki paused. It was for less than a second, but it was enough for Tony to notice the change in timing from the cuts. “Are you afraid of water?” He sounded amused.

 

Tony shook his head, then froze, remembering to stay still. “No,” he paused, considering how to explain, “suffocating, I guess?” When Loki stopped what he was doing, Tony looked up. The god looked angry. Tony must have made a face because Loki’s expression softened.

 

“You fear dying.”

 

“Everyone’s afraid of dying,” Tony reasoned.

 

Loki only hummed in acknowledgement. His eyes traveled across the marks he had made. With a small huff and a wave of his hand they disappeared, the skin knitting back together instantly.

 

Tony jumped at the sudden loss of sensation. “Loki?”

 

“I won’t allow it.”

 

“Won’t allow what, exactly?” Tony moved to sit up, only for Loki to push him back down, his hand holding him there.

 

“I won’t allow you to be afraid of such insignificant things.”

 

Tony rolled his eyes. “That’s not how trauma works, Loki. Trust me, if I could just wake up and decide not to have panic attacks about shit that happened 10 years ago, I’d do it.”

 

“I’ll help you, then.”

 

“You said you couldn’t?”

 

“I can’t make you forget things. But I can help you _deal_ with them.”

 

Tony frowned. “How?”

 

“I can help you face your fears.”

 

“You gonna throw me out another window?”

 

Loki smirked at that. “I could. It wasn’t what I had in mind, but I could.”

 

Tony shook his head. “I’ll think about it. Can we go back to what we were doing?”

 

Loki dug his fingernails into Tony’s chest, making him hiss. “One last question.”

 

“Shoot.”

 

“How would you feel if I made a few marks that were… permanent?”

 

Tony shifted under Loki’s hand. “I guess that’d be fine? What are you wanting to do?”

 

Loki grinned, shifting down the bed, until he was settled between Tony’s legs. He trailed his fingers over the inside of his left thigh. “I was thinking right here.” He locked eyes with Tony. “My name.”

 

Tony stared at him. “You want to carve your name into my leg?”

 

“I do.”

 

Tony laid his head back down against his pillows and closed his eyes. “Fucking go for it.”

 

“Stay very still. I’d hate to mess this up.”

 

“Mmhmm.” Tony swore as the first cut was made. He clutched desperately to the blankets under him, fighting against the urge to jerk away. Unlike before, Tony couldn’t drop into any rhythm, and his mind was far too active to try relaxing. “Hurts.” He grumbled as Loki moved onto the second character. Tony recognized that whatever Loki was writing it, it wasn’t using the Roman alphabet. The marks were thin and jagged. Tony just did his best to breathe through it.

 

Tony heard Loki set the knife to the side when he was finished. Tony jerked when he felt Loki’s tongue on his leg. Then, quick as could be, Loki was on top of him, pressing their bodies together, and he could taste his own blood in Loki’s mouth. “You were so good for me, _Ulfr_.”

 

Tony hummed, wrapping his arms around the god and holding him close. “That reminds me… what does _vargr_ mean?”

 

Loki tucked his face against Tony’s neck, chuckling. “Ah… it means wolf.”

 

“Wolf? Like _ulfr_?”

 

“It’s similar.”

 

“Different language?”

 

Loki shifted, and Tony could tell Loki was getting uncomfortable. “Not exactly.”

 

Tony rolled his eyes at Loki’s attempt to evade the question, “Loki, what’s a _vargr_?”

 

“Are you familiar with Fenrir?”

 

Tony paused, the name was definitely familiar. “Uh, giant wolf? I think it’s supposed to eat Thor during Ragnarok, or something?”

 

“Odin,” Loki corrected. “Fenrir is to kill Odin. He’s also a _vargr_.” Loki started licking and nipping at Tony’s neck.

 

“Are you trying to distract me?”

 

“Is it working?”

 

“You going to bite me?” Tony shifted his head, giving Loki better access.

 

Loki pulled back, meeting his eyes. “May I?”

 

Tony snorted. “I asked you to, earlier, didn’t I?”

 

Loki grinned against his throat, before biting down, hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully Ch. 3 in the next couple of days? Should be longer, too.
> 
> Right now the plan is for 4 chapters, but we'll see what happens. I might wrap it up with chapter 3.
> 
> In other news, I'm actively planning out a "how we got here" type thing. And I don't really plan stuff out, I just go into it with a vague idea and hope for the best. So, everyone cross your fingers, I guess.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki has his own set of anxieties, and I get to abuse the French language a tiny bit.
> 
> Mind the tags and the rating upgrade. Earning that explicit rating, damn it.

_ There must be something confided _

_ Must be someway to feel the pain and heal again _

_ Pain and pleasure, inviting _

_ I don't think so anymore _

\--Seether,  _ World Falls Away _

 

“JARVIS, what can you tell me about Fenrir?” 

 

“Fenrir, or Fenrisúlf, is a monstrous wolf from Norse mythology. Fenrir is the father of the wolves Sköll and Hati, is a son of Loki, and is foretold to kill the god Odin during the events of Ragnarök, but will in turn be killed by--”

 

“Woah, woah, back up.” Tony turned from his closet, staring at the monitor that JARVIS had pulled up for him. “Son of  _ Loki _ ?” Tony asked incredulously. Loki had called him “ _ Vargr” _ . A giant wolf. Of which Fenrir was also. Tony felt pretty sure that that was weird. Or, at least, it felt weird.

 

Tony finished pulling on his t-shirt before heading into the living room. He was pleased to see Loki curled up on the couch, reading something. “So, Jocasta. Something you want to share with me?” He asked as he dropped onto the opposite end of the couch.

 

Loki glanced up, confusion crossing his fingers. “Jocasta?”

 

“Yeah, Oedipus’s mother. Y’see, he--”

 

“I’m familiar with the story, Stark. Why are you calling me Jocasta?”

 

“Is Fenrir your son?” 

 

Loki stilled for a moment, before returning his attention back to the book in his hands.

 

Tony frowned. Maybe being straightforward hadn’t been the best approach for this conversation. “I mean, I’m not weirded out by you having kids, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Tony offered. “It’s just that calling me  _ Vargr _ is a little weird--”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Sorry?”

 

“Fenrir is--was, my son.”

 

_ Oh _ . “Was? Fuck, I’m sorry.”

 

Loki shook his head. “I meant it as a term of affection, only. He might still be alive. I don’t know.” Loki shut the book and set it aside, “After Asgard’s destruction, I don’t know the fate of any of my children.”

 

Two thoughts immediately sprang to Tony’s mind.  _ What do you mean by destruction?  _ And  _ How many kids do you have _ ? The former seemed like it might be more important, “When you and Thor said that Asgard was destroyed, I thought you meant like...like New York getting destroyed. Is it  _ gone _ ?”

 

Loki nodded slowly. “Largely. Between Surtr and Hela, there’s barely anything left.”

 

“Then where the fuck is Thor going when he mentions visiting Asgard?”

 

Despite the tense moment, Loki chuckled. “I believe they’re somewhere in Norway. I wouldn’t know.” He admitted. “The Asgardians blame me for Odin’s death, and thus Asgard’s destruction. I’m less than welcome, at the moment.” He smiled ruefully. “I suppose they’re not entirely wrong. If I hadn’t been so desperate to… No. It doesn’t matter.” 

 

Tony frowned, “I doubt that. That it doesn’t matter.” He scooted across the couch, so that their legs were touching. “But I understand. What happened, happened. There’s only so much you can do about it now.”

 

“Thank you for understanding.” Loki’s hand found Tony’s knee. “It’s a shame, though. I think you would have liked them.”

 

“Your kids?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Tony worried the inside of his cheek, debating on asking his next question. “Tell me about them?”

 

Always one to defy Tony’s expectionations, Loki smiled. “I was once married to a Goddess named Sigyn. We had twin boys, Narfi and Váli. Narfi always loved the ocean, and Váli…” He shook his head, a look of absolute misery on his face.

 

“I shouldn’t have asked.” Tony covered Loki’s hand with his own.

 

“No. It’s just…” He swallowed. “I’ll tell you that story another time?” 

 

Tony nodded quickly.

 

“It sounds like you did some research on Fenrir.”

 

“Not much. I got a bit sidetracked after hearing that Fenrir was your son.”

 

Loki laughed. “Giant wolf. The son of Angrboða. Along with Jǫrmungandr and Hel.”

 

“Yorman-”

 

“Jǫrmungandr.” 

 

“I don’t think I can say that.” Tony chuckled. “Wait, Hel? Like, Hel who destroyed Asgard?”

 

Loki shook his head. “No. Hel, as in my daughter. Hela was my adoptive sister.” At Tony’s confused look, Loki continued, “It wasn’t intentional. Thor and I didn’t even know of Hela’s existence until Odin passed.”

 

“Still weird,” Tony muttered. “Who was Angrboða?”

 

“A giantess.”

 

Tony blinked. “You fucked a giantess and she gave birth to a wolf?”

 

“Essentially. Fenrir was very fierce; the other Æsir feared him. Jǫrmungandr was a great snake,” Loki chose to ignore Tony’s befuddled expression this time, “he circled Midgard, keeping balance.” Loki’s eyes glittered with amusement, “He never cared for Thor, and it just drove Thor mad. I don’t think he’s ever met a snake he didn’t want to befriend.”

 

Tony smiled, but was still decidedly confused. “So, what was Hel?”

 

“A goddess. Of course, Fenrir and Jǫrmungandr were also gods. But Hel looked more like a human, which I believe is what you were asking.

 

“She’s the mostly likely to still be alive. She should have been safe in Niflheim, protecting those who die from illness and old age.”

 

“I hope she is.” Tony settled against the back of the couch. “Five kids, huh?”

 

Loki shook his head. “Six. There is also Sleipnir.”

 

“Is Sleipnir also a giant animal?”

 

“He’s only a bit larger than an average Midgardian horse.” 

 

Tony stared. “Sleipnir’s a horse?”

 

Loki was grinning, “Why wouldn’t he be? His parents were horses.”

 

“You’re not a horse.”

 

“I’m a shapeshifter.”

 

“You shapeshifted into a horse?”

 

“And gave birth to Sleipnir.”

 

Tony was fairly sure he heard something in his mind break. “What?” He asked flatly.

 

“You see, there was a dwarf who came to Asgard to build--”

 

“No. No, I don’t care.” Tony held up a hand. “You  _ gave birth _ to a horse?”

 

“That’s the part you’re struggling with?” But Loki’s face told Tony that he had  _ known _ that this was going to throw him for a loop. “Yes. Svaðilfari, Sleipnir’s father, needed to be distracted, so I--”

 

“Turned into a horse.”

 

“A mare, correct.”

 

“An ovulating mare?”

 

“I did say that Svaðilfari needed to be distracted. Horses don’t fornicate outside of--”

 

Tony pressed a fingertip to Loki’s lips. “I have to process this. This is…” Tony shook his head. “A lot?” Loki was still chuckling at him as he pulled away from Tony’s hand.

 

“Your turn, then.” Loki leaned against the arm of the couch, crossing his arms.

 

“My turn to what? As far as I know, I don’t have any kids.”

 

“Tell me about something else then.”

 

Tony frowned. “I… like what?”

 

Loki reached over and tapped the Arc Reactor through Tony’s shirt. “You’ve still never told me the story behind this.”

 

It was Tony’s turn to freeze. “It’s an electromagnet,” Tony said quietly. “There’s shrapnel that it,” his voice broke. He took a deep breath. It wasn’t like he hadn’t told this story before. To Pepper, to Rhodey, hell, he’d told Obadiah some of it, but of course that had blown up in his face. 

 

Loki just sat there patiently. “You don’t have to tell me. I have plenty of things I’m not ready to share.”

 

Tony shook his head. “No. You deserve to know. At least part of it.” He absentmindedly traced the scarring around the Reactor, where it was merged to his body. “There was an explosion. I got hit by shrapnel. I’m lucky I didn’t die.” He remembered the cave. The feel of it, the smell of it. Even if he did live for several thousand more years, he didn’t think he’d ever forget a single detail. “There was a man there, Yinsen. He was a doctor. Rigged up an electromagnet with a car battery, it held the shrapnel in place. Away from my heart.” Tony was staring at the floor now, but he wasn’t really seeing it. “The, um,” he swallowed, “the men who captured us. They called themselves the Ten Rings. Wanted me to build them a weapon.” Tony was shivering, and it had nothing to do with the temperature of a room, “I refused, so they drowned me.”

 

He felt Loki shift, but he didn’t look up. Couldn’t look up, if he was going to finish. “Obviously, I’m not dead. I told them I’d make the damned thing. Instead, Yinsen and I built the first palladium Arc Reactor. And the original Iron Man suit.” He tapped the Reactor in his chest, “this is what powers them.”

 

It was a long minute before Tony finally looked up at Loki, and before Loki spoke, “That’s why you’re afraid of suffocating?”

 

Tony shifted slightly. “Part of it, yeah.”

 

Loki was frowning. “Then why did you let me choke you?”

 

“What?”

 

“In the woods, you--”

 

“Oh. Yeah, that.” Tony paused. “I knew you weren’t going to kill me.”

 

“But you were afraid?” His voice was accusatory.

 

“Well, yeah, but--”

 

“You should have told me.”

 

Tony shook his head. “Fuck that. I told you it was ok at the time. Because it was. I also told you I didn’t want to do it again right after. And lo’ and behold, you haven’t fucking done it again. Because you listened to me.”

 

Loki looked irritated, but didn’t push the point. “I don’t like having my mouth covered.”

 

Tony blinked. That was true, although Loki had never come out and said it. “Ok?”

 

“You deserve to know why.”

 

Tony frowned. “That’s not really how this works. We don’t have to just trade traumatic stories. We’ve both been through fucked up shit, I think that’s enough.”

 

Loki turned to maintain eye contact. “I want to tell you, then.”

 

Tony held back an exasperated noise. “Alright then.”

 

“So, you know how I love my pranks?” Yes, Tony knew that very well. Had been on the receiving end of more than a few. “So, I once shaved off all of Sif’s hair. Thor didn’t find the situation nearly as amusing as I did, and demanded that I do something to fix it. So, there were these two dwarves, Ivaldi’s sons,”

 

“Wait. Same dwarves from before?”

 

“Don’t interrupt. And no. So, I retrieved hair for Sif, and in the process Odin’s spear, Gungner, was created.” Tony wanted very much to know how the two were related, but held his tongue. “So, from there I decided to have a little wager with a couple of  _ other _ dwarves, Brok and Sindri. I bet them my head that they couldn’t match the abilities of Ivaldi’s sons.”

 

“Why would you--”

 

“Don’t interrupt,” Loki repeated. “So, I lost the bet. Brok and Sindri created, among other things, Mjolnir.” 

 

_ Interesting origin story _ , Tony noted. “Well, you still have your head, so what happened?”

 

“I did what I do best. I talked.” Loki smirked, “The agreement was my head, of course. But I’d made no agreement that they could harm my neck.”

 

Tony sighed, “You aren’t serious?”

 

“That was pretty much their reaction, too. They must have found me very persuasive, though. But, Norns, they were furious that I had tricked them.” His smile faded. “So they held me down and sewed my mouth shut, so that I could never again twist the truth to my own benefit.”

 

“What the fuck?” Tony asked. “And Thor let them?”

 

Loki laughed. “Not at all. Once he found out, that storm raged for weeks.”

 

Tony gently ran this thumb across Loki’s bottom lip, but it didn’t look like any scarring remained. “Oh, sorry.” He pulled his hand away after realizing how much Loki had tensed under his touch.

 

Loki reached out, and pulled Tony’s hand back towards his face, letting his fingertips ghost over his lips. “I think I’d like to work on it.”

 

Tony tilted his head slightly. “What?”

 

“A while back, I offered to help you  _ deal _ with your anxieties. I think I’d like you to help me deal with some of mine.”

 

“Oh.” Tony sat up straighter, “What did you have in mind?”

 

Loki placed soft kisses against Tony’s fingertips. “My fears about being rendered unable to speak are irrational and limiting. But I think they might be the easiest to work with.”

 

“Probably easier than my shit, at least.”

 

“Probably.”

 

“I’m not sewing your mouth shut.”

 

Loki rolled his eyes. “Nor would I ask you too, Stark. I’d prefer never to repeat that.”

 

A question occurred to Tony, “Are you freaked out by needles? Or just having your mouth forced closed in general?”

 

“I hold no fear of needles.” Loki explained. Tony felt that there was more to the thought, but if Loki wasn’t going to offer it up, he wasn’t going to press for more.

 

“So… What does  _ dealing with your anxiety _ look like, for you? What's your end goal?”

 

“I want,” Loki paused, considering the question, but instead of answering, drew two of Tony’s fingers into his mouth. Tony knew when he was being blown off, but figured he had pushed Loki as far as he was going to get right then. 

 

Tony rolled his eyes. “Fine, if that’s how you’re going to be. JARVIS, privacy settings.”

 

Loki’s look of confusion turned to a smirk when Tony slid off the couch, and settled between his legs. “Don’t say a fucking word.” Tony’s eyes locked on his as he undid Loki’s pants. “No noise. Unless I ask you something. Or you need to use your safeword. Understand?” Loki nodded. Tony smiled at him “Verbalize it, for me.”

 

“I understand.” 

 

“ _ Bon chien _ ,” Loki gave him an annoyed look, but it faded when Tony pulled his dick free. “Are you ever  _ not _ on board for this?” Tony asked, stroking Loki until he was hard in his hand. He leaned forward, pressing small kisses on the head of Loki’s dick, before sinking halfway down in one movement. And honestly, Loki being  _ quiet _ was weird. Even when he wasn’t talking, Loki usually kept up a litany of moans and gasps, and was just generally  _ vocal _ . Tony hadn’t realized how much he relied on the noise of Loki’s feedback until he felt a rush of relief as Loki’s hand found his hair, gripping tightly. He was less relieved when Loki arched up and started fucking the back of his throat. He let out a muffled noise of irritation before doing his best to relax, and just let Loki use him. 

 

When he heard Loki’s breathing shift, and felt his movements becoming more erratic, Tony gave three quick taps to Loki’s thigh. A signal that could translate to anything from “I can’t breath” to “if you do that again, I might puke”, but in essence was just a simple “back off”. Loki released his hair, and Tony pulled off of Loki with a pop. Instead of offering an explanation, he stood up and pulled off his jeans and boxers. When he met Loki’s gaze he couldn’t help but laugh, “How do you managed to bitch at me with your eyes?” After pulling off his shirt he stepped forward and tugged at Loki’s waistband, “Off.”

 

Loki didn’t bother moving, but his clothing disappeared with a shimmer of magic. “I’m pretty sure that’s cheating.” Tony complained as he crawled into Loki’s lap. “You can talk, now.”

 

“Are you wanting me to fuck you?” Loki asked.

 

“Maybe.” Tony pressed a kiss to Loki’s forehead. “I want to cover your mouth with my hand,” he explained, “while you fuck me.” He felt Loki tense, “You can make as much noise as you want, but no talking,” he continued. “Or you can be quiet, and I’ll go back to sucking you off.”

 

Loki was holding very still, and Tony only guess what was going through his mind. “I want to fuck you,” he finally admitted.

 

“Alright then.” Tony grinned. “D’you want a bell, or something?”

 

“Why would I want a bell?”

 

“As a secondary safeword. You can drop the bell and--”

 

“Stark, I can still talk with your hand on my mouth. Or, I could just throw you.”

 

Tony frowned. “I mean, yeah, but I’d really rather not get thrown. But fine. No bell.” He gently placed his hand over Loki’s mouth, careful not to block his nose. “Is this ok?” 

 

He watched Loki swallow before nodding. Tony smiled and reached back with his free hand, before realizing, rather belatedly, “Fuck. Lube.”

 

Loki rolling his eyes was the only warning Tony got as two slick fingers pressed against him. He could feel Loki smirking as he pressed inside. He barely gave Tony a moment to adjust before he was scissoring his fingers, ignoring the protests of Tony’s resistant muscles. When Loki slid his fingers free, it gave Tony pause, “Really? That’s all you’re gonna--” 

 

And then Loki was pushing into him, forcing him open. Tony’s free hand found Loki’s shoulder and dug in, he clenched his teeth and screwed his eyes shut. “Fuuuck,” he whined. He felt Loki’s moan vibrate against his hand as he moved until he was fully seated. When they stopped moving, Tony forced his eyes open to glare at Loki, “Hold still for a minute or I’ll punch you in the Goddamned throat.” It was too much, too fast, and it hurt, but it was  _ good _ .

 

Loki pressed a kiss against Tony’s palm, which he could only guess was something of a half-hearted apology. He also knew that Loki wasn’t the least bit sorry, since his fucking sadist of a lover was grinning beneath this hand. 

 

Once Tony was reasonably sure he wasn’t just going to pass out, he gave an experimental rock of his hips. “You keep holding still,” Tony warned. “Jesus Christ, the things I let you do to me.” His grumbling was cut short by Loki’s hand around his dick, stroking him in time with Tony’s slow movements.  “Fucking...two fingers? For what, 30 seconds?” he bitched as he shifted positions. “Let you just split me open. Let you  _ make me _ take your cock.” Loki thrust up, and Tony’s threat died on his lips as Loki brushed against his prostate. “You’re not going to let me control a single thing, are you?” He pressed down, wanting to take Loki as deep as he could from their position. “You’re just gonna use me for your own pleasure,” Tony groaned, interrupting himself, “and if I’m lucky, maybe you’ll let me cum too.” Tony was pleased to see his words were having the intended effect, as the green of Loki’s eyes was barely visible around lust-blown pupils.

 

Loki grabbed his hips with bruising force as he thrust up into him, letting Tony know that he was at least half right, but since Loki’s other hand was still working his cock, Tony was pretty sure Loki didn’t have any plans of denying him. 

 

It was only a few moments later, amongst their shared gasps and moans, that Tony came, his existence whiting out for a second. When he came back to himself, Loki had followed him, coating his insides.

 

Tony pulled his hand away from Loki’s mouth before collapsing on top of him, working to catch his breath. 

 

“Fucking warn me before you pull shit like that, again.” Tony nipped at Loki’s chest. 

 

“You said I couldn’t talk,” Loki drawled. “Besides,” Loki wrapped his arms protectively around Tony, “I’d hardly call that  _ making you take my cock _ .”

 

Tony snorted. “Fine, you can show me what that’s like sometime.”

 

Loki laughed, his chest rumbling against Tony’s head. “You wouldn’t enjoy that.”

 

Part of Tony was concerned by that admission, the other, more masochistic part of him, was just intensely curious. “Would you?”

 

“Maybe,” Loki admitted.

 

“I’ll think about it, then.” 

 

He both heard and felt Loki’s deep sigh. “We’re getting up,” Loki warned him, before standing up, ignoring Tony’s indignant noises as he lifted him in his arms, pressing a thumb against Tony’s hole.

 

“The fuck, Loki?”

 

“We need to shower, and I don’t want you leaking everywhere.” 

 

Rather than dignify that with a response, Tony simply relaxed in Loki’s arms. If he was so insistent on carrying him around, he might as well enjoy it. “Wait, aren’t I the one supposed to be after-careing you?”

 

“I’m fine,” Loki assured him.

 

“Do you feel better about having your mouth covered?” Tony pressed.

 

They had reached the bathroom, and Loki shifted Tony so that he was only being held in one arm. Tony reflexively wrapped his arms around Loki’s neck, not wanting to fall. “If it’s you who’s covering my mouth,” Loki spoke as he turned the water on, adjusting the temperature until it was something that they both could withstand--a bit colder than Tony preferred, but also warmer than Loki did--”I believe I can tolerate it.”

 

Loki didn’t set him down until they were standing under the spray from the shower head. Loki laughed at the face Tony made when he felt a mix of lube and cum running down his leg. “Shut up, it’s awful. Worst part.” His complaints just made Loki laugh harder. Tony huffed and grabbed a washcloth and soap, setting about removing as many traces of sweat and cum and sex from himself as he could manage. He jumped slightly when he felt Loki rubbing shampoo into his hair. “I  _ can _ bathe myself, you know.”

 

“Mmhmm,” Loki agreed, “you do an admiral job.” Tony stood still, letting Loki gently scratch at his scalp. “But I enjoy doing this for you.”

 

_ Well, damn _ . It was kind of hard to argue against that. Instead he turned around and started rubbing circles on Loki’s chest with the washcloth. If that was how this was going to go, they could at least clean each other.

 

“What about you,  _ Ulfr _ ?”

 

“What about me?”

 

“Would you still accept my assistance with your trauma?”

 

Tony spluttered as Loki poured water over his head, rinsing out the shampoo. “Maybe? What did you have in mind?”

 

Loki’s face might have come across as mischievous if it didn’t make Tony feel so unsettled. “I could hold you under water.”

 

“Fuck that.” Tony took an involuntary step away. “You can hold me under water when you let me fucking gag you.”

 

“Deal.”

 

“What? No, I wasn’t serious.”

 

“I am.” Loki took a step forward, placing himself back into Tony’s personal space. “I’m not suggesting we do anything like that right away. We can work up to it.”

 

Tony was frowning. “I honestly can’t foresee a way to “work up to” letting you hold my head under water.”

 

“Try thinking of something you believe you could handle, then.”

 

Tony didn’t move when Loki started rubbing conditioner through his hair.  _ Fine _ , he thought, still frowning.  _ I’m a genius, I can think of  _ something _ that we could try _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably just one last chapter! (probably)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the last chapter of this story. Yay! (?)

_ As the world falls away  _

_ And I can't find a reason _

_ As the world turns to grey _

_ Its killing me unwillingly  _

_ And I am just the same as you _

\--Seether,  _ World Falls Away _

 

Tony Stark was having an exceptionally bad week. Loki had fucked off to God-knows-where--although at least he had warned Tony this time. There had been a ridiculous fight with Dr. Doom, in which Tony had been flung through a building (he was pretty sure he was the only one to get hurt, at least). And to top it all off, he’d woken up from a panic-attack inducing nightmare, but everything hurt too much to even think about going down to his workshop, or to the gym, or really much of anything else to work off the manic energy that was threatening to overwhelm him.

 

And so Tony found himself in the pool at 3 A.M., because swimming burned energy, and it only hurt a little bit more than laying still in bed. He’d lost track of how many laps he’d swam, or how long he’d even been swimming, when he became aware of another presence in the room. But Jarvis hadn’t warned him, so whoever it was probably wasn’t a danger. And if it was someone looking for a fight, well, Tony could work with that too.

 

Tony was also quite pleased with himself when he managed not to scream when something  _ hugeblackhairy _ swam past him. He swam to the shallower side of the pool so that he could stand up and assess  _ what the fuck _ had just joined him. It took him longer than he would have liked for his brain to offer  _ wolf _ . In his defense, he was pretty sure that wolves didn’t grow that large, nor did they have giant green eyes, or the ability to look amused. “Fucking hell, Loki.” He griped as he leaned against the side of the pool. 

 

The wolf--Loki--paddled over to him, and Tony could see his tail wagging. When he nuzzled his head against his arm, Tony instinctively reached over to scratch behind his ears. After a moment he stopped himself and shifted away. “Change back to normal, this is weird.”

 

The wolf huffed a breath at him before being replaced by Loki’s much more familiar form. “You understand, Stark, that that form is as normal for me as this one is.”

 

“You spend a lot of time as a wolf?”

 

“And other things,” Loki confided. “But yes, I enjoy being a wolf.” Loki looked Tony up and down, “What about you?”

 

“I don’t turn into animals.”

 

Loki rolled his eyes at him. “No, I meant,” he gestured out to the pool, “I thought you had nightmares about water?”

 

“Oh.” Tony ran a hand through his hair, “No, I mean yes, but no. I can swim just fine, no problem.” Loki just stared at him, obviously waiting for him to continue. “It’s like...being in water is fine, so long as I’m in control of it, I guess?”

 

Loki looked thoughtful. “So, what would happen if I held you down, under the water?”

 

Tony blanched. “Don’t know.” He shifted away from Loki, the rush in his ears telling him to  _ run _ or to  _ fight _ or to do whatever he needed to do because this was  _ danger _ .

 

Loki held his hands up in a placating gesture. “My apologies, Tony. I didn’t intend to frighten you.” Loki paused, “What if you could still breathe, even under the water?”

 

“What? How? You planning on turning me into a fish?”

 

“I could,” Loki offered, “if you think that would help. But it wasn’t what I had in mind, no.”

 

Tony willed himself to shift back closer to Loki. “Look, I don’t know how to say this without coming off as an asshole, so please just understand that that’s not my intent, and I’m not trying to trivialize the shit you went through.” Loki nodded. “Again, not to trivialize, but working through a fear of being unable to speak, or communicate...that’s kind of different than trying to work through a fear of drowning.”

 

Loki, for his part, didn’t look offended, which Tony considered a win. “Being afraid of drowning--of dying--is normal. It’s part of what keeps you alive. Being afraid of sleeping because of your nightmares  _ isn’t _ .”

 

Loki wasn’t wrong, Tony noted. “I mean, I guess that’s true. But I hardly see how letting you hold me under water is going to help my nightmares?”

 

Loki let out an exasperated sigh, “I know you aren’t this dense, Stark. I know it, because it’s the same as what you did to--for--me. You forced me to be silent, but you gave me control over the situation.”

 

_ Forced _ seemed like a strong word for what they had done. _ Encouraged, requested, suggested  _  all felt like much better words. “I’m not agreeing to anything, but walk me through what you’re thinking.”

 

“My mother didn’t spend several hundred years teaching me sorcery so that I  _ wouldn’t _ use it. Allowing you to breathe underwater is child’s play.” Tony winced at the movement when Loki pulled him around to face him. “You’re injured?”

 

“No? I mean, a little, but I’m fine.” Loki frowned at him before placing his hand against Tony’s chest. It felt not unlike downing a shot of whiskey, like a pleasant sort of burning that bloomed from his chest, into his gut, and then out into his extremities. The pain was gone, presumably so were his bruises, even the muscle soreness from swimming had vanished. “Oh...thank you.” He turned so that he was properly standing face to face with Loki. “So, child’s play?”

 

“There are plenty of ways to accomplish it, but given your general distaste to me  _ changing _ bits of you, the simplest would just to create an air bubble around your nose and mouth. You could think of it like a snorkel.” 

 

Tony pondered Loki’s suggestion. He didn’t really like the idea of being held underwater, being able to breathe or not, but he felt he should at least consider it. “What about a safeword?”

 

Loki reached out, holding Tony’s right hand in his own. “Squeeze,” Tony obeyed. “Good. Squeeze three times. Would that work for you?”

 

Tony nodded, realizing that some part of him had decided to agree to this. “Fuck it. Do it.”  _ Before I lose my nerve _ , he didn’t add.

 

“Ten seconds,” Loki warned before grabbing Tony’s hair in his free hand and forcing him down below the water’s surface.

 

Tony’s brain whited out. The fact that he could breathe was such a distant concept that it was all but forgotten. He could feel himself thrashing, but that too was distant.  _ He was in Afghanistan. In a cave. With shrapnel moving into his heart. And he was being held captive by men expecting him to build a replica of the  _ Jericho _ because that’s all he was good for. Creating new and exciting ways for people to die. Innocent people. Civilians. And in the only act he could see available to him, he was going to let them kill him, because there was no way in hell he was going to build these psychopaths a weapon. _

 

It took less than a second to reorient himself when Loki pulled him back out of the water. Tony barely had time to registered the strained look of fear and anger on the god’s face before he bolted, dragging himself out of the pool and to the nearest trash can where his partially digested dinner decided to make an encore appearance. It was only after a couple of rounds of vomiting up bile that Tony recognized that Loki had come to stand next to him. He glanced up, feeling fairly sure he was done puking, and saw that Loki’s face was the sort of careful mask of disinterest that usually meant he was furious. 

 

“What the  _ fuck _ , Stark?”

 

That seemed unfair, Tony thought.

 

“Are you ok?” Loki corrected himself. When Tony gave him a weak thumbs up, he repeated, “Then what the  _ FUCK _ , Stark?”

 

“I’m the one who just had a panic attack, why am I getting yelled at?” He felt suddenly less sure that he wasn’t going to keep puking.

 

“You went limp.” At least Loki wasn’t yelling. “You fought me for about three seconds, and then you went limp, and scared the shit out of me.” Suddenly Loki was eye level with him. “How did you foresee that going?”

 

Tony frowned. “About like this?” He admitted, weakly.

 

Loki didn’t say anything else, he just stood up, and stalked away from the pool. Again, kind of unfair, Tony thought.

 

Once he realized that Loki wasn’t going to come back, Tony heaved himself off of the floor, very grateful that Loki had healed him, and dragged himself to his living room. Just after collapsing on the couch, he heard a package of  _ something _ hit the cushion next to him with a fair bit of force. As he looked down at the package of saltines, he didn’t expect the noise of Loki slamming something down on the table in front of him. He glanced over to see two bottles of Gatorade waiting for him. “Eat.” Loki commanded. Tony did as he was bid, wondering as he picked out fragments of crackers from the packaging, just how much it would have hurt if Loki had actually thrown them  _ at  _ him.

 

Loki sat down on the couch across from his, watching his as he ate and took small sips of the Gatorade. When the silence stretched on and started to feel unbearable, Tony finally ventured a quiet, “So, you’re angry.”

 

“Yes.” 

 

Not only was Loki not yelling, Tony couldn’t pick up on any emotion. The god was just a big empty slate sitting across from him. “Why?”

 

Tony saw Loki’s jaw set, “ _ Why _ ?” He repeated, incredulously.

 

“Yeah, I mean,” he chewed and swallowed another cracker fragment, trying to figure out how to word things, “are you mad that I panicked?”

 

“Of course I’m not angry about you panicking.” Loki spat. “I’m angry because you’re fucking incapable of communicating. You  _ lied _ to me.”

 

“Bit rich, coming from you,” Tony challenged.  _ In for a penny, in for a pound _ . “You’re not exactly a shining example of communication and honesty, yourself.”

 

In the next second, Loki was up, had strode around the table, and was straddling Tony’s lap--was trapping him there. “Right. So. Let’s communicate, then. You just had a panic attack, and  _ didn’t _ use your safeword.”

 

Tony looked off to the left. “I forgot.”

 

“ _ You forgot _ ?”

 

“Yes. Like you said, I panicked. I panicked and forgot.”

 

“You went limp.”

 

“Did I?” Tony honestly wasn't sure. Loki had mentioned it before, so it was probably true.

 

“You did. Why?”

 

Tony turned his head further to the left, determinedly not looking at Loki. That was the million dollar question, after all.  _ Because I was going to die _ , he didn’t say.  _ Because if I was dead, they couldn’t get the  _ Jericho _ out of me. _

 

“Stark, look at me.” Loki grabbed Tony’s jaw and forced him to look up. “What happened?”

 

Tony swallowed, but didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer. Answering made it real. All of those fears and anxieties and memories, he’d managed to relegate them to his nightmares, and he wasn’t about to acknowledge the power they still managed to hold over him while he was awake.

 

“Fine.” Loki reached down and grabbed Tony’s hand, holding it in a bruising grip, tight enough to make Tony yelp and try to pull away. “Answer me this, then. Do you just enjoy being tortured?”

 

Tony stared at him, eyes wide. “Let me go. Of course not.”

 

Loki didn’t let go. “Are you sure? Because less than 10 minutes ago you told me to hold you under the water, knowing you were probably going to panic from it.” Loki’s grip tightened, and Tony whimpered as he felt his bones grinding together unnaturally, “And if it’s just that you really enjoy being tortured, I’d be  _ happy _ to accomodate you.”

 

Tony wished that Loki at least looked half as angry as he apparently was. “I’m sorry,” he grit out. “I don’t--” Loki let go of his hand, letting it drop down into his lap. Tony panted, holding his hand up. Nothing was broken, at least. “It was stupid,” he admitted.

 

“It was,” Loki agreed. “Tell me what happened.”

 

“I wasn’t here.” Tony said quietly. “I was in Afghanistan. And it wasn’t  _ you _ , it was  _ them _ . And my dying would have been for the best.”

 

Loki’s eyes narrowed, “Excuse me?”

 

“No, I meant...that’s how I felt  _ then _ . Everyone has a breaking point. And if I was dead, they couldn’t find mine, and I wouldn’t build anything for them.” Tony rushed his thoughts out in a single breath. “I expected that I would panic. I didn’t expect a flashback,” he admitted quietly.

 

Loki leaned back, still balanced in Tony’s lap. “I’m sorry, Tony.” Tony’s head snapped up, he hadn’t been expecting an apology. Before he could ask what Loki was sorry for, he was continuing, “Obviously that was far too much. I wasn’t  _ thinking _ .”

 

“Neither was I.”

 

“No, you weren’t.” The slight edge to his voice let Tony know that Loki was still angry.

 

“Do you want to hit me?” Tony offered.

 

Loki looked taken aback, “Why would I want to hit you?”

 

“You’re pissed off. I generally want to punch people who piss me off. So, do you want to hit me? You can.”

 

Loki shook his head. “I’m not going to hit you because I’m angry.” Tony thought Loki looked a bit distressed at the idea. “Do you  _ want _ me to hit you?”

 

“Not really, no.”

 

Loki mouthed  _ not really _ . “Do you enjoy it when I hurt you, Stark?”

 

Tony blinked, feeling like the answer to that was pretty obvious, “Yes? I mean, usually, anyway.”

 

“Usually?”

 

“I didn’t enjoy you threatening to break my hand a minute ago, no. But other stuff? Rough sex, biting, your weird bloodletting thing? I get various levels of enjoyment out of those.”

 

Loki chuckled at him. “Really now?” He leaned forward, so that they were face to face. “What’s your favorite, then?”

 

Tony was pretty sure he could feel the shift in the room. Loki was still angry with him, he was pretty sure, but he was also sitting there smiling and teasing him, so he was probably also going to forgive him.

 

“Well,” Tony started, “I can’t say it’s my favorite, because it’s not something I’ve ever done. But I have a feeling we might both get a kick out of it?”

 

Loki fixed him with a decidedly warm smile, “I’m listening.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back more more loosely connected one-shot type things from here, I think. 
> 
> I have a few longer story ideas on the backburner. 
> 
> Prompts and such, as always, are super welcome. :) As is feedback and/or constructive criticism.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on tumblr, [@Haarii-the-quilava](https://haarii-the-quilava.tumblr.com/) if that’s your thing! :D
> 
> My first multi-chapter thing. Wheeee~
> 
> Prompts and such are always welcome. Either here, or on Tumblr.
> 
> In the future I might just have a little ficlet thing for tiny ideas I want to write, but that aren't big enough to warrant an actual chapter or w/e.
> 
> And also maybe I'll write how these nerds actually get together? If anyone would be interested in that, let me know. :P


End file.
